Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Its the Holidays

But it sure doesn't feel like it.  I think its the weather.  I'm used to it being pretty cold by this time, but today on my way to the exchange I wore a short sleeve shirt and some flip flops.  I guess it could also be the haze of nausea that has just recently let up.  Today has been a pretty normal day as far as the old pregnancy symptoms go.  Not hardly any nausea, I'm not sure if I should give credit to the new prenatal vitamin or to the approaching 12th week.  I've read a lot of women begin to feel better around this time.  I do find myself worrying sometimes though.  As much as I just want to feel human again, I kind of like that little reassurance that everything is ok that the morning sickness brings me.  So naturally on the days I feel better, I tend to worry a little more.  I keep telling myself that after I pass ____(insert bench mark here)____ I'll feel more confident.  Truthfully, thats not the case.  I think time has helped.  Each day I feel a little better.  But as I look back at how long its been since my ultrasound my mind begins to wonder and think of all the things that could've happened from then up until now that I might not know about.  Is this something that all expectant mothers go through? Or just ones who have had a pregnancy loss?
Since my ultrasound, 2 pregnant friends of mine have miscarried.  I am very sad for them because I know how hard it is to go through.  That statistic rings my head of 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage...many before the women even knows she's pregnant.  I'm cursed with the power of knowledge sometimes I think. And sometimes all the possibilities just float around.  I have made it this far though.  Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks and 0 Days.  Which means I will be beginning my 11th week.  I never made it as far as I am now.  And truthfully this has been a textbook pregnancy, symptoms and all.  I haven't had any complications, and the ultrasound looked really great (medically and parentally speaking).
So I let my fear get the best of me, and I really think by the way my doctor was offering it to me, she knew the reason why I would want it.  At 12 weeks you can do an early screening test for Down's Syndrome.  Originally I said, "no". Because William and I are both under 30, and we don't have a family history.  Plus the test isn't 100%, it can show a false positive.  The next steps to a positive result would be an amniocentesis, which I would not do.  But the test involves an ultrasound.  And my very awesome doctor (who is a Navy Wife, and whose hubby just came home from Afg as mine left) explained it to me like this, "at least its another picture for you". So I went home and about a week later I called and scheduled myself for the test.  I'm not worried about the results, but I feel like I really need to see that my baby is doing ok, and by ok, I mean living and growing.
Again, I've been telling myself, if I can just get to the second trimester, everything will be perfect....

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