Monday, September 13, 2010

Back to Life

Today the husband went back to work as usual.  I have been nervous about how that was going to go for me.  But so far its pretty normal.  About four weeks ago, I was feeling really confident about how this deployment was going to go.  I felt very self reliant and was actually thinking I would do really well even if I didn't make any friends.  Needless to say the events that transpired during Mohave Viper really shook my confidence.  I have gone from feeling ready and strong to really wondering if I'm going to be ok.  Not mentally, but physically.  I have always been a really healthy person.  Never had to go to the emergency room or really ever had any problem that required a close observation by a physician.  So I guess I was a little unaware that bad things could happen to me.  I was alone for a little bit during the miscarriage and remember worrying that if something went really wrong, no one would know.  So I guess that feeling has kind of stayed with me.  Before I used to just wonder how I was not going to miss him like a mad person everyday. Now I have this added fear that something medically might happen to me and no one will find out until its too late.  Its crazy I know.  I feel like I don't have much time to practice and get re-ready for this deployment now.
On top of all that I'm feeling really conflicted about getting pregnant.  I most def want to have a baby.  I feel like something so important and special has been stolen from us, and I just want it back.  But at the same time I worry that maybe we won't have enough time to get pregnant.  I'm a little scared about how disappointed I might be if it doesn't happen for us before he leaves.  Then I go back in forth in my head.  Maybe then, that way, it will give us time to get through something really stressful (ie. deployment!). It is even really hard for me to just resign to 'what will happen will happen'. Even with that being the only way that things can go, I know I will still be disappointed if we aren't pregnant.  I am trying to grasp that there is nothing we can do to change what will happen.  Maybe its because I have never wanted anything like this before.  Its literally like just wanting my baby back.  But I know that beginning another pregnancy won't bring back that one.  Honestly I have good days and bad days.  The good days out number the bad ones.  And writing about it all really helps.  I'm slowly accepting that there is really no time rush.  If it happens, then awesome, if it doesn't then we will try again when he gets back.
As the deployment rolls closer, I'm trying to get a handle on it all.  I still have a feeling that everything is going to be ok.  Its just not as certain as it was before.  My husband is so confident that we will get pregnant before he leaves and that it will all be healthy and ok.  I hope that he is right.

BTW - I'm working on some new things for the blog.  One is a 101 goals in 1001 days.  I'll hopefully post and everyone can follow them this week.

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